Weirsdo Roundup: Drifting Toward Spiritual Matters

We drift away from Diamonelle to enlighten our readers on recent spiritual developments around the universe.
First, we were interested to see that Brown Bear Brownie is attempting to reopen the Blochalela Foundation, defunct since Blochalela's defection to the Ataraxia Foundation, or at least that he is still using the premises to administer "therapy" to troubled but comely females.
Second, Captists everywhere are intrigued to know that Christopher has miraculously appeared both at the Netherworld's Show Your Glory Church, where he enhanced the littergy, and in Ohio, where he seems to have been reincarnated. Can a Second Coming be far behind?

Weirsdo Roundup: Flattery Disregarded

Diamonelle supremely disregards these sincerest forms of flattery. Mall Diva, now occupied with Tanglewood's busy schedule, likewise disregards the mysterious "Maul Diva," who has attracted only a small, cult following in any case.

More Diamonelle and Alien Kidnapped by Humans

For those skeptics like Tom & Icy who continue to doubt Diamonelle's superstardom, here are some other links that include fan commentary.

Also, Emrald wishes to publicize this atrocity.

Inaccessible Diamonelle

(continued)
fans and prospective employers should understand that a) Diamonelle is very busily employed as Stuffed Animal Planet's first differently abled supermodel, in addition to her recording career; and b) Diamonelle and Checkers are still in a committed, monogamous relationship. If and when Diamonelle's calendar clears, she will consider reputable offers of employment, but those of you hoping for other attentions will have to be satisfied with a signed poster.

Diamonelle Shouts Out to Fans

Diamonelle gives a big shout out to all the many fans who have extended offers of a professional or distinctly unprofessional nature.*
BUT . . .
(to be continued)

*Click here, here, and here for more similar offers and comments, and don't miss the little yellow fan.

Ask Weirsdo: The Dirt on Diamonelle

After this post of Diamonelle in a beach cover-up, Nessa wanted to know why the supermodel had dirty knees.
She doesn't, Nessa. Those are heart tattoos by Mall Diva, body artist to the stars.

Ask Hobbes Jr.: Cathouse Door

After this post about Goth Maug and Belle Catley taking an interest in Diamonelle's Pearnet outfit, Janice d'Ackinson, of the Netherworld, exclaimed, "Oh my! I didn't know that Belle's door swung both ways, so to speak."
Belle Catley is a consummate professional, Janice, and I'm sure she would be proud to hear me say that her door and that of her establishment will swing in whatever direction the customer requests. However, I believe her interest in Diamonelle's outfit was purely professional. After the show, she placed a large order, and employees and customers alike have applauded her decision.

Ask Weirsdo: Already Answered Askings from April*

Distant Diamonelle.
Originally uploaded by weirsdo

After this post, Nessa wanted to know what the red stuff was in Diamonelle's hair.
It's hair color by Bratz, Nessa. I bet you've figured that out by now.
A propos of this post, where Diamonelle is wearing her wedding-cake dress, Indie wanted to know if Pearnet were edible.
Only if you like "durable polystyrene," Indie. Follow along, please.


*And Happy Father's Day to dads everywhere.

Ask Weirsdo: Emerald vs. Emrald

After this post, Lyanne Sakks wanted to know if Emerald, fashion photographer to the stars, was any relation to Emrald, the mystical former Queen of the Meekmoks.

No, Lyanne. Emerald is a deluxe Madame Alexander doll I got for my 10th birthday who happens to bear a striking resemblance to Vivien Leigh in GONE WITH THE WIND (which in turn, strikingly resembles the biography of Hobbes' daughter Annie). Emerald has always been refined and interesting, first on the planet Eureka during my reign as benign child dictator, and now on Stuffed Animal Planet.
Emrald, on the other hand, is an ignorant Barbie rip-off with a hyperactive fantasy life who is only refined and interesting compared with Pansi and Doo-Doo Girl.

Ask Weirsdo: The Power of Denial

Diamonelle to Liquid Bling: "Can't touch this."

In response to yesterday's post, RBUD commented, "Why is it the fictions in our past that embarrass us, rather than the facts?"
We can justify our facts, RBUD.

And speaking of denial, Diamonelle says you can see the Queen of De Nial here.

Ask Hobbes.: More About Annie

After yesterday's post, in which Hobbes Jr., defended Anastasia from Tom & Icy, who had compared her to Sarah Palin, Tom & Icy admitted that they had confused Anastasia with Annie. Then the tabloid with which they are affiliated, ASININE NEWS, ran a picture of me explaining to Ed Wood why my family and I were walking out on his production of PLAN 9 FROM THE CAPTISTS. I wanted to comment on both these events.
First, as to Annie and Sarah Palin, although they do share a certain ruthlessness, as well as a liking for fine clothes, I am not just being a partial papa when I tell you that Annie is far cleverer than the Palin woman, in my opinion. Look at the way Annie ran her mother's estate during the Captist-UnCaptist War. And since then, she has transformed herself into the honey mogul of Stuffed Animal Planet. By contrast, look at the decisions and wafflings of Governor Palin. Enough said.
Regarding PLAN 9, its disgusting portrayal is so obvious as not to need discussion, but Annie, liking fine clothes as she does, was embarrassed that the camera caught her in her old farming clothes. She wanted me to explain that Mr. Wood, no doubt knowing that we would shun his production had we gotten wind of its nature, played on Anastasia's sympathies by claiming to be a displaced Captist veteran's widow trying to start a farm and some beehives and begging for expert assistance. Anastasia didn't feel well enough to help him at the time but got us to go. Of course Annie wasn't going to dress up for THAT. She also didn't want to be recognized in the Netherworld as the Annie of the musical (the Netherworld musical of "Gone with the Captists," not the one where "The sun'll come out tomorrow").
When we got to the darkened theater, Mr. Wood revealed his gender, but, still posing as a needy Captist, pretended he was going to show us a documentary by one Hildy-Bob Bullshipper on Netherworld farming techniques. By the time the theater filled up and we learned the truth, it was too late. Pooh was inclined to give the show a chance, but it was too appalling. I forced Mr. Wood to unlock the doors, and we returned to Stuffed Animal Planet forthwith.

Ask Hobbes Jr.: Potpourri

About Annie's anxiety over her pregnancy's showing, Wilma Snoops wrote, "Why worry about showing? I'd just use it as an excuse to get free food!"
Hobbes Jr. responds: You see, Ms. Snoops, among so-called "decent Captists" there's a silly notion that as soon as a female divines that she's in an "interesting condition" she should "spare herself" and go out as little as possible. It's little customs like these that, in my view, give our Captist communities a special character--hysterical and crazy, but special all the same.

And Hobbes Jr. responds to yesterday's comments:

RBUD wanted to know if Anastasia was going to be in Wikipedia.
Hobbes Jr.: Can one avoid that, RBUD?

Filthy Fred congratulated Hobbes Jr. on his gallantry: "Whoo! You go, Hobbes Junior! That's my Bear Nekkid Buddy!"
Hobbes Jr.: I think you may be misunderstanding my attentions to my sister-in-law, Mr. Filthy.

Tom & Icy compared Anastasia to Sarah Palin (!) and asked if Anastasia were considering a run for President of the Netherworld in 2012. Hobbes Jr. believes they (Tom & Icy) are laboring under some serious misconceptions:
T&I: Though I would be the last bear to call myself a Gentle Ben, I must come to Mrs. Pooh's defense here. Unlike the Palin woman's, Mrs. Pooh's life and sentiments are 100% genuine pure, and her heart is 100% gold and too big for her own good if you ask me. I also believe Mrs. Pooh's vocabulary to be significantly larger than Mrs. Palin's.
If you are looking for a Stuffed Animal Planet parallel to Sarah Palin, may I suggest one Tawdry Cattery, whose brain is similarly smaller than her mouth and less dazzling than her clothes, and whose descendants are similarly unplanned, though, since her ascendance to wealth, she wears an ostentatiously oppressive morality on her sleeve. She is also often seen in church--or any other place that can advance her footing in "Society"--and she is married to a primitive husband of few words.

Finally, Nessa made this admission: "I want you to know, I covered my eyes when I looked [at this] and maybe even blushed a little."
To which Hobbes Jr. responds, "Well, Nessa, with all due honor and respect to Mrs. Pooh, if we all had her delicacy our species would probably die out."

Anastasia Shocked by Musical

Dear Friends in Captism,
Reluctant though I am to thrust myself into the public eye, I feel compelled to warn you against the musical version of "Gone with the Captists" as publicized in the questionable tabloid, ASININE NEWS. Imagine my horror when I saw a representation of my dearest sister, Annie, at what ought to be a most sacred time in any bear-lady's life, exposed and fondled on the music hall stage in the most vulgar manner imaginable! Captain Hobbes Jr. can tell you that the profound shock I experienced rendered me insensible for some time, until he most gallantly applied smelling salts and removed the offending image from my sight.
Upon regaining consciousness, I debated inwardly for some time as to whether it would be better to let this production sink quietly into well deserved oblivion, or to risk further damage to my sister's character, not to mention the sacrifice of my bear-lady modesty, by warning the public against this lurid travesty of Captist womanhood. I hope my readers will remember that in adopting the latter course I thought only of shielding my dearest sister from the prurient and lewd, as well as protecting the delicate sensibilities of the pure in heart.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Anastasia Pooh

Ask Hobbes Jr.: Is Annie Pregnant?

Those of you who remember we were once (and shall be again, in the fullness of time) telling the story of "Gone with the Captists" will understand why, during a description of seating arrangements at Diamonelle's first fashion show, Tom & Icy asked whether or not Annie was pregnant yet. Hobbes Jr. responds:
Yes, but you didn't hear it from me. She's worried about showing.

Stay tuned for more messages, and an eventual update on Annie's family life.

Ask Diamonelle: The Rhinestonettes?

Diamonelle's modeling career leaves less time for music.
Originally uploaded by weirsdo

After yesterday's post, Tom & Icy asked, "Are the Tonettes the back up singers for her?"
Diamonelle answers:
T&I, as you know, when I was with NG4J Perlette & Saffira had my back, but before that I worked alone, and that was fine, too. I'm a solo act at the moment, but I guess if I was to have backup singers again they might be the Rhinestonettes.

Ask Weirsdo: Diamonelle's Runway

Some (obviously those who have forgotten Pansi) are now calling Diamonelle "Stuffed Animal Planet's first Supermodel." As such she poses against many different backdrops. Here she is on a barge, "The Cooler."

A long time ago, it seems now, RBUD guessed that Diamonelle's runway was made of a matchbox.
Actually, RBUD, it's the case for a tonette given to Mall Diva by Grandma Weirsdo. This tonette is like a recorder with a keyboard, only the sound is more strident, similar to that of a saxophone. The tonette was a standing joke with my father, and it seems to me exactly the kind of instrument a committee of music educators would try to promote. There is an unofficial ban on its use in our house (every time I hear it I scream at the kids to put it away), and in my view the runway is the best use for it.

Ask Pansi, Purple-Butted Americkan

In response to this post, Tom & Icy wrote: "If your glory is a state of mind, is it a blue or red state? Or is purple a combination of the two?"
Pansi responds:

Dear Tom & Icy Of Coarse my glorrius Perple Buttux do not refleck my Pollitix!!! I am not won of those windowashy tipe's!!! I am 100 per Sent Red Stated Americkan!!!!

Ask Pansi: There's No Place Like Home

I just wanna thank all the Litle Peeple hoo made my noo Spirichual Home Possable!!!! Me and Revrand Jimy are back to gether so all you Heething's out there beter wach OUT!!!!!

Ask Pansi: More Theology

In response to this post two days ago, Peter Piper wrote: "Some churches are named after Elvis. But I'm looking for a church that is named after St. Smandi, like the word verification."
Pansi responds: Tx for the sujeschon's but I do not wanna fell like I am compeeting whith a nother Show Biz Superstar wen I go to Cherch.
As for St. Samandi!!! Of coarse I am not prejudist or any thing but I do not wanna be Cathlick and most of the Cherche's named after Sanet's are Cathlick!! I do not beleave it is rite to wership JESUSES Mom or the Sanet's and tho I fell it is ok to have kid's for the Lord Ive all reddy done that!!!! All so the Pope is reel importent in that Cherch and like I sed be fore I do not wanna fell like Im compeeting!!!!

In response to yesterday's post on whether or not Pansi would be right in complaining about a front-row seat in Heaven, RBUD wrote: "Pansi belongs at least in the orchestra box."
Pansi responds: I did not no there was a orchestra box in Heavan!!! That is very inneresting but if so it is obviusly for the ORCESTRA you no to put peeple like Mrs. Weirsdo in to so there noyse is not so anoying or beter yet so they can be sent to the Other Place ware they be long!!!! I gess you were just joking Mr. Dog but I am shur I will be in the Show in Heavan so you and Tom & Icky dont need to werry!!!!

Ask Pansi: Back to the Fold?

After yesterday's post, Tom & Icy wrote:

Pansi would complain even if she had a front row seat in heaven. What an emo (overly emotional and sensitive person)! Church Mouse has about talked Rev. Jimmy into leaving that Any Old Faith Will Do church and go back to just the Show Your Gory, or we mean Glory Church. Hope that tickles her purple butt like a Peacock feather!

Pansi objects to the term "emo," since all of her reactions are "totally understandable!" and she does not cut herself--yet (she is not sure what the "Never World" may eventually drive her to). Nevertheless, she takes issue with the idea that complaining about a front-row seat would be unreasonable: "Of course God knows I should be in the SHOW in Heaven!" She had no comment on the news regarding Reverend Jimmy, but did want us to say she was grateful for the mention of her purple buttocks.
Can her relationship with Rev. Jimmy and his church be saved? Only time, or perhaps THE CRAPPY TIMES, will tell.

Pansi Responds Again

More of Pansi's fans offered their suggestions after yesterday's post. Graciously she responds again.
Gary!!!!! You're IDEA so called is TOTALY DisCUSting!!!! EsPESHaly the part about being Wershiped a long with Doo Doo Girl!!!!
T&I!!!!! Of Coarse I shall continyou to treet my boddy as a Tempal but wy woud I call it the Holly W Cherch???? Not that I dont think are last Prezidant was HOLLY!!!! But I dont think you reely name Cherches after Prezidant's no mater how Holly they are and beside's he spent to much time with Daisy!!!!!

Ask Pansi: Still Spiritually Homeless

After our last post, Jesus Ramirez and Willy Wonka offered Pansi spiritual alternatives. She responds.

Dear Jesus, Tx so MUCH but Weed is not sootable in Cherch!!!! Diet Pill's and of coarse Wine are fine but I do not beleave Weed is on the list!!!! Beside's I here it is reely the Worship Doo Doo Girl Cherch so of coarse I woud not be caut Dead there!!!!

Mr. Wonka, I do Wership choclate but I have to do it from a way's a way or I will get like my sister Daisy. May be SHE woud be innerested in you're Cherch!!!

Weirsdo Roundup: Pansi--A Church of One?

Sadly disillusioned by Reverend Jimmy Reptile's Any Faith Will Do chapel, Pansi was outraged when she deduced from its architecture that her former partner in Christinanity had stolen "every last halfway descent step in the Never World!"--thereby depriving her of an opportunity to regain a footing in her twelve-step program. She currently has no plans to return to Reverend Jimmy or his church, and is seeking a spiritual home.

Diamonelle Pissed Off

They call you "Liquid Bling" or "Urinary Delite,"
And you wannabe me with all of your might.
But I'm Diamonelle, my star shines so bright
I'm like a supernova, or a comet in the night.

You ain't my sistah, cuz my sistahs are fly.
They don't have they feet cut off just to try and get by.
You ain't like me cuz Checkuzz nothin' but a fool.
So lissen up girl, I'm a send you back to school.
You be draggin' him on stage and bangin' Orlof in the limo--
You think you supernova? You just a real dim ho!

You say you raisin' money for a study of the bladder--
But you on a low rung of the celebrity ladder.
In my universe of stars they ain't nothin' sadder
Than a wannabe ho gettin madder and madder.

Go on an' stumble down the runway with your pathetic crew.
Your wardrobe malfunctions gave us all a good view,
Orlof's clothes are cheap and flashy, but the looks ain't new.
Those rags are for the corner, not Fifth Avenue.

You mighta had a couple fans, like Gary Axolotl--
Went to Hal Itosis', bought your pee in a bottle.
I heard R. Kelly's writin' letters, wants to piss on you
With a pure golden love that will always be true.

You can talk it up, or get smart and just hush,
I got only one answer: time to wipe and flush.
You may be "Liquid Delite," or sometimes "Golden Shower,"
But I'm Diamonelle, and I got real star power.

A Special Message from Diamonelle

THE PUBLIC IS ADVISED that this tasteless person and her talentless exhibitionism have no connection with yours truly!