Weirsdo Roundup: Weirsdo vs. Dr. Minnie Again

Mrs. Weirsdo tangled with her old nemesis, Dr. Minnie Strator, again last week, when it was reported on ASININE NEWS that the Netherworld's Ersatz University was using a corner of Weirsdo's big back yard for a "nature's classroom" outdoor study facility. Mrs. Weirsdo claims she never authorized such a facility and was unaware of its existence until the report surfaced. Dr. Minnie claims possession is one tenth of the law, the other nine tenths being red tape. The dispute is ongoing, but our money is on Dr. Minnie and her tape.

Ask High Priestess Julia: Venus Worship in Captism

The Anti-Christopher!
Originally uploaded by weirsdo

After reading Hobbes Junior's DISGUSTING swearing, a Mr. Doug, also known as RBUD, expressed surprise that Captists "worship Venus."
As well you might be, Mr. Doug! Venus, as every Stuffed Animal Planetarian should know, is the Anti-Christopher! She it was who negotiated the Treaty of Petesville with the Infidel UnCaptists!
Yet sadly the Venus Hairesy persists among those Captists who choose not to follow the Litteral Path.
O Hobbes Junior, how little you reck the encouragement in Sin you give with your oaths, so lightly spoken, so heavily borne!
O RBUD, Come into the Litter! Repent your Dogtist ways. Accept God Christopher, Lord Dumbledore, and Avatar Scarface! Reject Venus the Pretender, Mother of Lies, whose names are Leashing, lest ye be cast into the NG4J Studios for all Eternity!

Departure

Hobbes Jr. says goodbye without so much as a butt sniff.
Originally uploaded by weirsdo

“Well, don’t fly off the handle so, because I didn’t lie and make you feel conceited,” Annie retorted. “You aren’t in love with me, are you?”
“No, my dear, I’m not in love with you, no more than you are with me, and if I were, you’d be the last person I’d ever tell. Venus help the man who ever really loves you. You’d break his heart, my darling, cruel, destructive, little bear. Now tell me,” He said in a lighter voice, “What kind of ring would you like?”
“Oh,” Annie said, eagerly, “Oh, Hobbes Junior, a big one—a big diamond ring! And Hobbes Junior, do buy a great big one!”
“You shall have the most expensive and vulgar ring in Petesville.” He abruptly started to fold back the screen, and she followed him, bewildered.
“What is the matter? Where are you going?”
“To finish packing.”
“Oh, but—”
“But, what?”
“Nothing. Where are you going?”
“To Ork."
“Oh. Have a nice trip.”
“Thank you.” He walked back out into the hall, and said, “I’ll write you. Let me know if you change your mind.”
“Well, aren’t you going to nuzzle me good-by?” she asked indignantly.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough nuzzling for one evening?” he retorted and grinned at her.
“Oh, you are impossible!” she cried with wrath, “And I don’t care if you never come back!” She turned and lumbered towards the stairs, expecting to feel his warm paw on her foreleg, stopping her. But he only pulled the front door open wide, and a cold draft swept in from the hall.
“But I will come back,” he said and went out, leaving her looking at the closed door.

Distance

When he spoke it was with calm.
“You meant it? You don’t want to take it back?”
“No.”
“It’s not just because I’ve—what is the phrase?—swept you off your feet by my—er—stuffed animal magnetism?”
She could not answer for she did not know what to say, nor could she meet his eyes.
“Now, Annie, tell me the truth. Did you say yes because of my money?”
“Why, Hobbes Junior! What a question!”
“Look up and don’t try to sweet talk me. Is it my money?”
“Well—yes, partly.” Annie said uncomfortably.
“Partly?” He did not seem annoyed. He drew a swift breath and with an effort wiped from his eyes the eagerness her words had brought, an eagerness which she was too confused to see.
“Well,” she lumbered on helplessly, “money does help, you know, Hobbes Junior. But then—well, Hobbes Junior, we do get on, you know, and—well—I am fond of you.”
“Fond of me?” He had now moved towards the door.
“Well,” she said quickly, “if I said I was madly in love with you, you’d know I'd be lying.”
“Sometimes I think you carry your truth telling too far, my pet. Don’t you think, even if it was a lie, that it would be appropriate for you to say, ‘I love you, Hobbes Junior,’ even if you didn’t mean it?”
“Hobbes Junior, it would be a lie, and why should we go through all that foolishness? You told me once that you didn’t love me but that we had a lot in common. Both rascals, was the way you—”
“Oh, Christopher!” he whispered rapidly, turning his head away. “To be taken in my own trap!”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.” He looked at her and laughed, but it was not a pleasant laugh.
“Besides, you once said it was the height of bad form for husbands and wives to love each other.”
“I've said a filthy litter boxful of things,” he snapped back, and moved farther away from her.
“Don’t swear.”
“You’ll have to get used to it and learn to swear too. You’ll have to get used to all my bad habits. That’ll be part of the price of being—fond of me and getting your pretty paws on my money.”

Acceptance

Annie whimpered “Yes” before she even thought. It was almost as if Hobbes Junior had willed the word and she had spoken it without her own volition. But even as she spoke it, she felt tranquilized; her head began to stop spinning and even the giddiness of the brandy lessened.
He drew a quick breath as she spoke and bent as if to kiss her again and her eyes closed and her head fell back. But he drew back and she was faintly disappointed. It made her feel so strange to be kissed like this and yet there was something exciting about it. He stood very still for a while holding her head against his foreleg and, as if by effort, the trembling of his forelegs ceased. He moved away from her slightly, and looked down at her.

Our Saga Resumes

When we left "Gone with the Captists," Hobbes Junior had just proposed to Annie in a manner she couldn't refuse. . . .

Ask Weirsdo: Scarface Inaugural

Tom has informed us that his cat Bootsy is "anxious" to see more images of Scarface. We hate to see any good Captist anxious on our account, so here are some pictures of Mall Diva with the new avatar at his inaugural.
Tom also asked, in a comment on Flickr, whether Scarface had made any interesting images in his litter box yet. We haven't noticed any, Tom, but perhaps we have been looking in the wrong place. If you or Bootsy sees any miraculous manifestations in the drool marks on Mall Diva's shirt in the picture, please notify High Priestess Julia right away.

Weirsdo Roundup: Barbie Notes

PANSI DISAPPOINTS CAPTIST FAITHFUL
Pansi declined an invitation from moderate Captists to appear with the remnants of NG4J at the Stuffed Animal Planet Captist Inaugural Celebration in honor of Scarface's new reign as Avatar. Many of those who had heard of NG4J or seen them in their heyday were disappointed, saying Stuffed Animal Planet denizens need something to laugh about in these tough postwar times. Others were understanding, citing this experience, and noting that Scarface drools and snivels when affectionate.

@**?/\=+l 3 8%!!##^^.> <:,,~
Translation: Memo to Emrald: Read your safety manual!
The above is a message Emrald received from the Meekmoks after she attempted to take a photograph with the Atlantean Energy Generator.

POE IGNORES BLACK CAT
(and Aubvey)
Captists across the universe are outraged by Edgar Allan Poe's behavior at his own birthday party. Despite having featured black cats in several stories, the famous American wordsmith posthumously snubbed ebony Netherworld feline Marlin, supposedly an honored guest. (Aubvey, who may or may not have been sucking on an opium pipe earlier in the evening, also failed to attract Mr. Poe's attention, although she was eager to get his opinion on the chances of his University of Virginia Cavaliers playing against her Auburn Tigers.)
Fearing boycotts and possible terrorism, Netherworld officials were quick to downplay the incident, noting that Brittney was entertaining the crowd with an epic satanic chant of her own composition at the time, and Mr. Poe, being somewhat frail, had no choice but to give his undivided attention to her tintinabulations.

Weirsdo Roundup: Will Brittney Have a Role in New Administration?

Welcome, President Obama! Dr. Weirsdo, who remembers when Martin Luther King was assassinated, cried--sorry, had things in his eyes--like a baby.
But as usual with Democrats, the new President is already facing some challenges from his own party. One contentious issue is whether, in what manner, and how far to prosecute the many and vast crimes of Dubya & Co.
Enter Brittney, whose credentials in punishment are impeccable, and whose New Year's resolution, if applied retroactively, would seem to impose precisely this pleasant political duty on her. With Brittney there are no loopholes, fancy lawyers, long drawn out legal proceedings, or country club prisons.
Get used to that wheelchair Dr. Strangelove, I mean Mr. Potter, I mean Dick Cheney.

Weirsdo Roundup: Mall Diva Disappointed

We are very proud of Mall Diva for performing a nearly note-perfect program in the divisional MTNA competition. All the judges said she was potentially great--BUT. In a nutshell, they wanted more variance in tone and more sophisticated phrasing, and I think there was a consensus on that. This is of course very disappointing, especially after all that work and traveling all that way. But at 14 one still has a lot of time to develop artistic maturity! Mall Diva is a very tough character, and I believe she will rise to the challenge.

Weirsdo Roundup: Scarface

Scarface has so far spent a lot of time under the sofa, so it has been hard to get pictures. I left the tree up for him, and he enjoys resting under its branches on our blanket/tree skirt.
We leave you with this face for the weekend. Wish Mall Diva well in the MTNA string divisional competition (regional level).

Weirsdo Roundup: Naughty and Nice List

Special to the HOBBESYWOOD TIMES
by Anonymous FOPken
While the Netherworld Santa was out doing a show at the Happy Wiener or something, my friends and I rifled through his trash for dirt on the Barbies and found a fragment of Santa's Naughty and Nice list. Here are some tidbits from it.
Candy:
Pansi announced Mrs. Weirsdo's "triumph" in the Sarah Palin poetry contest to the world. Mrs. Weirsdo deserves to be taken down a peg.
Brittney tried to warn and protect Michelle Obama before the future First Lady of the U. S. A. boarded the Vogon Cruiser with Death Cheese. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, Brittney, but that was a kind and thoughtful act.
Some big pieces of candy to Pansi and Aubvey for their voting advice on the eve of the U. S. elections. Naughty, irresponsible, hilarious, and completely ineffectual.
Smaller pieces of candy to Pansi and Aubvey for planning a photo shoot so as to give a present of their own images to fans throughout the universe. Thoughtful, but perhaps a tad self-centered.
Big piece of live bat candy to Brittney for resisting the urge to crack open the whoop ass on Axe Man when it was revealed that he still carries a tool, I mean torch, for her. It took a lot of self control to drown that one in moonshine.
Whole live bat to Brittney for opening the Whoop Ass on Beavis and Butthead because of their comments after Brittney laughed at Aubvey and Emrald's dance of Ghostly Wisdom. Those two hoodlums were asking for it, and I would have been ho ho hoing myself if I'd seen that dance.

Lump of Coal:
Aubvey apologized to Michelle Obama for her (Aubvey's) erotic dreams about her (Michelle's) husband. Naughty Aubvey! You should be thankful for your erotic dreams, especially the ones about Democrats!

Julia Hails New Captist Avatar

Julia got a late Captist Christmas present this year.
Originally uploaded by weirsdo

From the HOBBESYWOOD TIMES:
Julia, High Priestess of Litteral Captism, exuberantly announced the miraculously simultaneous arrival of a new Captist God on Stuffed Animal Planet and at the Weirsdo mansion last night.
"Scarface has a small stigmatum on his nose, symbol of the Captist Spirit, bloody but unbowed in the recent war. Otherwise he is resplendent, a true Heir of CHRISTOPHER," declaimed Hobbes' termagant ex-wife.
Moderate Captists are hopeful that the High Priestess' acceptance of Venus' successor may end the schism that has dogged Litteral and non-Litteral Captists alike since Julia repudiated Venus after the Treaty of Petesville.
Though refusing to take a public stand on the controversy, the Weirsdo family expressed joy at the new arrival. They are promising pictures soon, and have resolved to keep Scarface, a mature, indoor cat, away from predators, cars, and other evils.

Netherworld Examples

The denizens of the Netherworld have also extended themselves to find suitable Barbie gifts, and most have done better than the Axe Man:
Hal Itosis' modeling contracts and coupons will probably be welcome, especially to Pansi, who complains bitterly about her meager Netherworld wardrobe.
Gary the Axolotl's gift of virginity to Aubvey is touchingly thoughtful, since Aubvey is supposedly making a new start after her latest dalliance with a Snickers-eating football player. I do wonder where Gary obtained the virginity, though, since he is a kinky salamander who spends most of his time in toilets.
Along the same lines is the Frappucino to Pansi from Beavis and Butthead. I'm as fond of Frappucino as the next doll, but If I were she I'd stick to Nervous Norvis' coffee shop.
Spooky's gift to Pansi of a CD by his own band and Guitar Hero are unlikely to be appreciated by that megastar (not the kind of precious metal she has in mind), but Brittney is enjoying them already.
So there you have it. Christmas may be over, but it's never too late to give to Pansi!

Mrs. Weirsdo Sets the Example

To further assist readers in giving Barbie gifts, I have provided examples, with explanations, of my own choices.
I know Pansi, like our country, has been experiencing a housing crisis. Like our government, I lack the funds to combat this crisis fully, but I tried to cover it with a tarp. In retrospect, I'm not sure this gift was that successful. Pansi said she had something MUCH more elaborate in mind. Now she refuses to tell me where the tarp is or what she's done with it.
I think I did much better for Emrald and Aubvey. I am quite sure Emrald needed the safety manual for the Atlantean Energy Generator, and since she is fluent in Meekmok the translation should not be a problem. Owing to Meekmok restrictions on classified materials, I was unable to put this under the tree, but I carefully entrusted it to the Cheesemeister, and I trust she has been more careful with it than she was with her camera.
I gave Aubvey a book of rehab tips for alcoholics which, as far as I know, has had little effect, but perhaps Aubvey just isn't ready. When she hits bottom, it will be waiting for her.
Because Doo-Doo Girl frequently loses her way, even in her own home, I gave her a GPS system. I hope she can remember how it works!
I am most proud of my gift to Doo-Doo Man, aka "Dr. Doo-Doo": super glue. This is a dual purpose gift, to be used for either sniffing or limb reattachment. It is both useful and fun!
Brittney is the easiest Barbie to give to. Of course, she is intimidating, and you don't want to give her the wrong thing, but fortunately she can always find a use for a case of Whoop Ass, and given Axe Man's present this year, I think she found a use right away!
So no more excuses, people! Remember, there is no right answer for this assignment, but your responses should be thorough and well thought out.

Weirsdo Explains Ms. Duff's Grade

I hope an explanation of the grade awarded Ms. Duff for her presents will assist those of you who have yet to come up with Barbie presents.
Ms. Duff received a C- for these gifts. First of all, the directions clearly specified that presents were to be put under the tree, but Ms. Duff carelessly left hers in the comments under the assignment, where anything might have happened to them.
I did convey the gifts to Pansi, but she said she had no use for Barbie statuettes unless they were cast in some valuable metal, preferably gold. Furthermore, she felt the enclosed troll was a particularly tactless present, since Ms. Duff had to know that Pansi had been traumatized by this picture on Ms. Duff's own blog!
Nevertheless, Ms. Duff gleaned a passing grade because she at least gave a gift (actually two), and because everything worked out well in the end. We feel sure that the Barbie doll will find a home with either Axe Man or Nurse Malibu's mysterious Smoking Man, and the troll was dispatched to Pansi's Cave Troll, who has been lonely lately and agreed to adopt the tyke.

Ask Weirsdo: RBUD's Makeup Work

We note that RBUD has finally given Pansi a golden meerkat. We give this gift a B-. Pansi was delighted--until she found out it was an actual creature, not a solid gold sculpture. Even then she thought it was cute, but as she explained, with all her Christinane missionary and promotional work, she just does not have time for unwanted animals, even from "Mr. Dog," as she calls RBUD. Fortunately, Emrald thought it was cute and agreed to adopt it, provided it promises not to attack any of the Froggies.
RBUD tried to excuse his lateness by claiming that he thought I meant Orthodox Christmas, but as Pansi's admirer he of all people should know that her brand of Christinanity has a distinctly Pentecostal flavor. Nevertheless, we give his claim that he hunted all over Africa for the animal the benefit of the doubt and boost his grade slightly for effort.
We hope this example will prove useful for those of you who still have not completed your assignment. More examples are forthcoming.

Weirsdo Gives Chance for Makeup Work

I have to say, I am very disappointed in my readers. This was a perfectly simple assignment, yet only one person (Ms. Duff) even got a C-, and RBUD, who has often professed his adoration for Pansi, not only failed to leave his own present, but has been accused of diverting Ms. Cooper's. Do your own work, RBUD!
The good news is, there is still time to make up this grade for extra credit. Just go to the tree and leave presents, and the Barbies (except Brittney) may still forgive all.

Weirsdo Post-Hols Roundup

We are back.
The Weirsdos and Hobbes journeyed to Grandparents' Weirsdos for Christmas, where we wined and dined (Hobbes spent a lot of time cheek by jowl with a box of chocolate covered cherries) and were introduced to Miss Garmin, who helped us find our way home. Her tone of voice is distinctly more authoritarian than that of Lola, the voice of Grandpa Weirsdo's GPS, which he describes as "sexy"--when Grandma is not around.
We saw the Rockettes show, which was great, and some beautiful things at an Asian museum, and we went to the aquarium, which has beavers, otters, and raccoons now. Heck, if we want to see raccoons, we will unwind our Fruit Loop garland from the Mas* tree and put it out on the bushes. But it was fun to see (via videocamera) what beavers do in their lodges when they think no one is looking. (Groom and sleep, for the most part. Sorry to disappoint you. And for goodness sakes kids, don't go Googling "beaver webcams"!)
We also visited with Dr. Weirsdo's childhood friend and his family. We saw BENJAMIN BUTTON (better than the original**) and the friend's wife and I saw A CHRISTMAS TALE (dysfunctional French family; point left Euro-vague).
Dr. Weirsdo gave two papers at the Modern Language Association meeting which were well received except when he got into a heated dispute with a Marxist. After he flew back to the Weirsdo family bosom, we journeyed to Nebraska and visited some elderly Uncles and Cousins Weirsdo, who were doing very well. We especially enjoyed the farming uncle's pan of THE NUTCRACKER ("There's no TALKING in it!").
We then went to Kansas City and had a nice, but brief, visit with Grandma Weirsdoer, who is doing well also. In the car I reread a lot of ANNA KARENINA (soon to be assigned to Mall Diva), and Toyplayer read us DECIDING THE NEXT DECIDER, which was fun.
We hope you all had pleasant holidays, and we wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

*I took the "Christ" out of Christmas again this year.
**FORREST GUMP, of course.