Once Upon a Time on Stuffed Animal Planet

NG4J outtake. Above the box: Pansi's legs. On the box: Blochalela, Joon, Doo-Doo Man, Daisy. In front of the box: Sissy, April, Doo-Doo Girl, Brittney, Lobsterlela, Aubvey. Seated: Emrald.

(Jan., Feb., and March, 2005 covered.)
Once upon a time, shortly after Dubya's election,* there were a number of Christinane** people who became dolls. All the girls except Joon were Barbies.*** Here are their names and backgrounds:
Pansi, the leader, was raised in poverty with numerous siblings by a dissolute mom and a series of stepdads. She married Dick Dummy, who failed one of Dr. Weirsdo's courses at Auburn. They had and adopted lots of kids, including Mary and Arshmol, who later went to live with Dr. and Mrs. Weirsdo, their biological parents, and changed their names to Mall Diva and Toyplayer, respectively. Pansi also fought with other dolls in the War of the Ring, where she was not much use until she began making lethal fruitcakes. While in Gondor, she fell in love with a cave troll and had twins with him.
Daisy, Pansi's sister, was adopted by an upper-middle-class family and became spoiled, snobby, and avaricious. She went to college at Auburn before dropping out to marry Pigface, a Mafia hitman who tried unsuccessfully to knock her off before going away to be transgendered.
Blochalela, Pansi's physically challenged daughter, who married Poison Loser (lead singer for a rock band much admired by Pansi), had a large family, and lived unhappily in the trailer next to Pansi's after Poison Loser left her.
Doo-Doo Man, a drug dealer.
Doo-Doo Girl, the girl he lifted over the middle school fence one day because she was his soulmate.
Joon, their daughter, who kept hamsters and was addicted to TV and videogames.
Aubvey, a rabid Auburn fan who attended the university until forced to drop out because of debts arising from her gambling addiction. She was obsessed with Tommy Tuberville and his Tigers.
Brittney, a Goth who uncomfortably combined her satanism with the recognition that if Jesus could make Pansi a superstar, He could do anything.
Emrald, a spiritual seeker who uncomfortably combined her belief in reincarnation and her own varied past lives with Christinanity.
April, who uncomfortably combined her tree-hugging love of nature with her yen for material comforts.
Sissy, a Mafia moll linked to one Mr. Banana (a Frodo doll).
Lobsterlela, who lost a brother and a bicycle early in life and never got over it.
As Barbies, all the dolls were gorgeous, permanently 17 (Doo-Doo Man was permanently 21, Mr. Banana in midlife), and able to do gymnastics. Also, like all Barbies, they liked to go around naked, so they moved to Stuffed Animal Planet, and their show, Barbie House, was born. Shortly afterwards, the name was changed to the catchier Naked Gymnastics for Jesus.

*His election in 2004, not the appointment in 2000.
**Twice the hate, half the Jesus (love of self only).
***Or Barbie knock-offs. We don't discriminate.