WEIRSDO CAPTURED!

Weirsdo was no match for the Finnish big guns.
Originally uploaded by weirsdo.

(Hobbesywood Times)
WILL INDECENCY BE NEXT?
The infamous Mrs. Weirsdo, known as the "Queen of Hearts" on the Petesville government's list of the top 52 enemies of state, has been apprehended in Finland and returned to Petesville, where she is under interrogation in the Petesville Prison. Investigators hope that she may lead them to the "Ace of Spades," top evildoer, Indecency, who has so far evaded justice.
STUPID COMES UP BIG
Earlier this month, crack members of President Pete's STUPID (Storm Troopers Undercover Pretty-good Intelligence Detail) tracked Mrs. Weirsdo to Oklahoma, where she, with husband Dr. Weirsdo and First Lady PANSI's children, Mary and Arshmol, had apparently taken refuge with celebrity journalist Grandma Weirsdo. When the STUPID team arrived, however, they were informed that Dr. and Mrs. Weirsdo had already removed to Finland.
Acting on intelligence from PANSI that later proved faulty, the STUPID squad spent days searching for the underwater kingdom of Finn Land off the coast of Oklahoma before a tip from Naked Gymnastics for Jesus cast member and Aubern authority Aubvey Winslow led them to the philosophy and literature conference Dr. Weirsdo was attending in Helsinki, Finland.
Donning protective anti-boredom gear, the STUPID task force journeyed to the site of the conference, where they commandeered artillery from the Finnish government and took Mrs. Weirsdo into custody without incident. "We had to dodge a lot of big words," said a task force member, "but in the end Mrs. Weirsdo was no match for the cannon."
THE INTERROGATION: HOW YOU CAN HELP
Investigators are having less luck getting Weirsdo to talk, however. They are hopeful that desecrating items sacred to her will get her to open up. Since she is an avowed secular humanist, various artefacts of cultural importance have been flushed down the toilet in front of her, including a boxed set of rapper Q Bic Zirconium's CDs, a priceless Doo-Doo Girl quilt donated by PANSI's sister, Daisy, and Sims V: The Genocide, donated by videogame designer Mo Schuylkillins. Far from being moved, the fiendish Weirsdo has actually been recorded laughing at investigators' efforts and egging them on.
To assist the government, First Lady PANSI has issued the following list of suggested items that Petesville patriots may wish to donate to the cause:
1. Boooks: Especially literacher. The longer the better!!!!!!!
2. Recordings of Classical Sympathies.
3. Anything old from a museum.
4. Films with subtitles.
Citizens wishing to contribute items should bring them to the Petesville Prison at any hour of the day or night.
THE HUMAN TRAGEDY
Almost lost in the geopolitical implications of Weirsdo's capture are the smallest victims, PANSI's children, whose fate is still in question. Investigators discovered that during her flight Mrs. Weirsdo callously left them to the mercies of Grandma Weirsdo, who subjected them to a grueling regimen of popular entertainment, swimming, and interviews with other Weirsdo family members, all on a diet of fried chicken, ice cream, soda pop, and chocolate.
Due to her responsibilities as superstar, First Lady, and patriot, as well as the disorder in Petesville, PANSI is hesitant to take custody of the children. "What? Oh of course I ADORE them, but I couldn't possibly be bothered right now!!!!" she said in a recent press conference.
Reluctantly, Petesville authorities left Mary and Arshmol in the custody of Dr. Weirsdo, pending the outcome of the war. But they are a living reminder of the human costs of such tragedies.